Say It Ain't So Will!

It is no secret that Will Smith and Tom Cruise are buddies. In 2006, Will was one of the big names to attend the star studded Tom Kat wedding and all last year pictures of the two “hanging out” popped up all over the interwebs. For months Smith has denied that he was converting to Scientology (a natural byproduct of being around Cruise for extended periods of time). It seems now though that the inevitable brain-washing has been successful and the Fresh Prince has gone over to the dark side. The Daily News reports:

Will Smith has joined the ranks of Hollywood power players actively recruiting for the Church of Scientology. Big stars traditionally distribute "wrap presents" to crew members after completing a film. His recent gift after wrapping next summer's comedy "Hancock" was a card good for a personality test at your local Scientology center. Fun! Never mind that such tests are given free by the church anyway. The quiz is designed to convert people to the religion by identifying personality flaws that - surprise! - Scientology can fix right up for you.

Man, Will Smith is cheap! You would think he could afford to buy gifts there were, you know, not free. Maybe he just couldn’t find Valentines Day novelty coupons that give away a free foot massage or rub & tug, and he decided to go with the IQ tests instead.

Walking through the Time Square subway station the other day I saw tables set up with free “stress tests” and copies of "Dianetics". I knew I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to watch this freak show in action so I unassumingly slid up next to one of the tables, careful not to make eye contact with any of the nutbars, and watched as they administered these “stress tests” to the unwitting folks (probably from the mid-west) who were not able to put two & two together.

If you have never seen a “stress test” administer before it is pretty simple, you hold onto an E-meter, a device that measures minute changes in electrical resistance through the body when a person holds metal cans and a small current is passed through them; the level on the meter supposedly identify your “areas of concern”. The E-meter has the same basic structure as those phones you used to make as a child; two cans painted silver attached by a string, the string is attached to something that almost looks like a transistor radio with a small analog dial that has a needle that bounces around randomly, making it appear it is reading something. I’m pretty sure the E-meter uses the same scientific principle as those Love Meters you see in the lobby of your local movie theater. During the test the administrator would talk to the yokel taking the test, asking a series of questions that I assume would help identify if you were a viable candidate or not. I did notice that the person giving the test always managed to work in income in some way or another.

It normally went something like this:

“Your levels indicate someone who is in a profession with high levels of stress, like a powerful attorney or a high level executive…you are a waiter at Denny’s? Oh, well the test is completed, have a nice day, next!”

I do not make any attempts to hide the fact that I think Scientology is a crock. The whole origins story with Xenu (you can read about it here) seems more like an elaborate con, set up by a desperately cheesy sci-fi author. I challenge them to take a hot mess like Britney Spears or Lindsay Lohan under their tutelage, give them a few hundred “shocks”, and if they can “fix” them then maybe I can be convinced that they are for real. Hell, if they can get either of them to not have pictures of their lady bits show up online for 6 months I’ll be impressed.