Spears is Pregnant!

OK Magazine confirms that Lynne Spears, mother of Britney Spears, can expect another grandchild soon. Britney seriously has the most potent womb ever, and she must curse it every day. This poor girl is obviously struggling worse than a roofied sorority girl after a frat party to take care of herself, let alone adding a third child to her brood of neglect…

Whaaaat? It’s Jamie Lynn Spears who’s preggers? But she’s only 16! She’s on a Nickelodeon show for Pete’s sake.

It’s no wonder Lynne Spears’ book on parenting has been put on hold “indefinitely”. Hasn’t anyone is the Spears family heard of a condom? You would have thought after the epic tailspin Britney went through this year (whenever you are near her at this point you can literally hear the sound of planes screaming towards the ground. Or is that just her new album?) Mama Spears would put Jamie Lynn in a chastity belt (it's an Everlast!).

Look, I’m not advocating abstinence by any means, but I am advocating nobody in the Spears family giving birth for the next ten years…at least.

I’m sure the folks over at Nickelodeon are just thrilled to death over this. They dodged a huge bullet earlier in the year when the Hannah Montana pregnancy turned out to be false. No such luck this time though. I wonder if there is going to be a very special episode of Zoey 101 (the show starring Jamie Lynn as the title character) in which Pacific Coast Academy has its very first Prom Night Dumpster Baby. What’s next, Dora the Explorer gets knocked up by Diego, while Spongebob Squarepants gets high on Meth in the hot tub at the Beverly Hills Hotel?

Thankfully Britney is not pregnant, but she is reportedly getting married again. People are calling this future alimony recipient “a poor man’s Kevin Federline”. Wow, considering Federline is the poor man’s Snow; this guy must be a real winner. Oh, she is also refusing to get a prenup again, because if you refuse to learn from you mistakes (or even acknowledge them) then it’s like you never made any. Right?

How long after these two are married by a drunk, one-legged, midget, Hindi, Elvis impersonator in a Reno Chapel/Kennedy Fried Chicken, do they get divorced and he gets half of everything she is not already giving to K-Fed?

This seemed appropriate...